[author’s note: I wrote this as a personal Facebook update. My FB posts are not public, so a couple of friends asked if I would post it to make it accessible for sharing.]
How a personal moment can shed light on broader social dynamics:
I did something which resulted in Zuna crying, last night.
This is commonly a challenging dynamic for a parent and child. I'm no exception. I am gutted when she's that upset.
The emotions that we each contend with, then, lead to some interesting processing. For me, it often requires an internal voice reminding me to keep the compassion and patience flowing.
That's because I can find myself hardening a bit. Some of that is defensive. "I didn't really hurt her!" Some of that is judgmental. "She's blowing this out of proportion!"
The initial moments are usually fine. I'm able to apologize and look at whether I could have done something differently and determine whether I will do it differently going forward. Its when she keeps on crying and crying that I get tied up.
I feel myself going cold. "I don't want to deal with this." I even speak to her in colder tones, which exacerbates her upset, of course.
Then, I fight with myself, "why are you treating her this way?" "what do you mean? she's gotta get some perspective here. people are dying in the world and she's so upset about this!" "are you helping her by being cold and judgmental? Is she going to gain perspective because you brow beat her?" "Ugh, there are IMPORTANT things to tend to!"
I'm not sure what finally snaps me out of this and gets me to say to myself, "she needs your time and attention. you know that she's sensitive and insightful and holds a lot more internally than she lets on. and all you're going to do is get on FB or watch an episode of something before going to bed. just sit with her and listen. how hard is that?" and I breathe and turn into her and listen.
In the case of last night, a seemingly small thing was, to no one's surprise, a conduit to all kinds of other things rattling around inside of her. Self-deprecation, self-acknowlegement, hurt from people breaching her trust, understanding of their human nature, worry about the world, overwhelm of pain from how people treat each other and on and on and on. For about two hours, she spilled it out. Though we've had moments of this before, Zuna talking for two hours has to be a record.
She's an introvert. She's also the youngest member of her extended family, bar one niece who is about to turn 3. This means she's absorbed a lot. A lot of witnessing of the complexities of loving people. And a lot of patronizing judgment. When you're "the least" of a social group, you take a lot of hits silently. In silence, you become more observant, a more complex analyst and more sensitive. The canary in the coal mine who will die if people are not astutely tending to the warning signs.
So parallel to the plight of the oppressed.
In the end, last night, I realized how important it was not to judge someone else's "proportionality" of response. That, in fact, allowing a small act to be the gateway for expressions about larger issues may be key to the oppressed's ability to communicate and the oppressor's ability to hear.
It's a funny dynamic. As the words began to flow, I felt myself relaxing because it wasn't about the immediate interaction. That is, my defenses came down. Talking about other issues, which weren't happening right now, felt a little more distanced and I was better able to sit with that. It seems strange that I was more defensive about the relatively small infraction than I was about the more impactful ones. Immediacy seems to be the key.
That insight led me to thinking about the recent Trump statue debacle.
When I first saw the quote from the NY Parks Department, I was laughing about the wording because it was from an official source. Also, I saw the statue as representative of "The Emperor Has No Clothes." I was interpreting through the lens of him having the lifestyle and influence of wealth, which he claims is due to his business acumen, when in fact, his business fail regularly and he's always mired in debt. Stripping him of the facade of his "self-made wealth" seemed apropos.
Later, I would learn that the artists had titled it "The Emperor Has No Balls." That's reprehensible, juvenile and serves no purpose other than to perpetuate dysfunctional definitions of masculinity and body shaming. But, I didn't want my interpretation to be wrong. Well, not that I didn't want to be wrong. I didn't want to be seen as part of those perpetuations. So, I felt defensive about how my original interpretation could be applied.
Sure, my interpretation might make the statues politically meaningful. But, that's a) not what the artists intended, and b) not at all how the public was responding. As time went by, I had to admit that I had missed the problematic aspects of the stunt.
I see this pattern often: people need distance from a dynamic they are a part of, before they can own their role in it.
What concerns me here is that people who are being hurt and killed don't have time. They don't have time to wait for the offenders to feel enough distance from their offenses to be receptive. They need to be listened to and tended to, immediately. Usually, whatever it takes to tend to them and not just transfer the destruction to another group, benefits the quality of life for everyone. It makes us all better people. How do we make that a priority when it seems to be human nature to couple our offensive behaviors with steely defensive walls?
Coal miners knew to bring canaries in the mines with them. I don't like this metaphor because when the canaries were serving their purpose for the miners, they died. Still, what can we do, as a culture, to prioritize the voices and perspectives of the canaries in our midst? When do we realize that the measure of our justice/morality is reflected in how we treat the most vulnerable amongst us? How do we establish an ethic of always listening to and tending to the canaries?